May 19, 2011

Advice pleasssse

I know its been a while since I blogged anything about what my blog was supposed to be. My sincere apologies. Now I have a great problem at hand. And I need all your opinions and advice regarding it. 

Fair Guy and me are in a relationship for now. I guess it could be translated into - we wanted to make out with each other without having to worry about the morality behind friends with benefits gimmick. But now I have developed feelings for him also. Yes, real feelings. ( Sorry my friends, the thing most of you feared and which was even my worst fear has happened. I have developed feelings for him!)

With feelings, come problems too. Though there are a lot of issues boiling in the pot, the one which I'm most confused about is this. He was in love with a woman for over seven years. A love which was never returned.  He went as far as to propose to her but she was already in a relationship. And hence gracefully rejected his love. They remained friends though. "The best of friends".  He being madly and deeply in love with her and she being considerate to him and his feelings.( I guess any woman is bound to be sympathetic to her most devoted lover.) 

So far so good. As long as it was a friends with benefits act, I had no issues with his past or present love life. But ever since my feelings have begun, I'm not comfortable with it. The green eyed monster has crept in. This is worsened by the fact that he still harbours feelings for this woman. He adores her. (though he says he is in love with me, I don't believe him as he was in love with this girl during our initial dating period.) And there is another thing that eats my head. She announced her engagement only a couple of weeks before we starting dating. So am I his rebound affair?? 

He even called her up on our first date not expecting her to pick up the call as they had a 'small fight'. Her friend had picked up the call and given it to her after knowing he was with me. And later he says, " She agreed to speak with me because you were with me. Otherwise she would not have spoken."   What the hell is that supposed to mean? So am I his decoy?? That time I never cared but I do now. Very much.

When I used to think of love before, I wanted my lover to be head over heels in love with me. His world should spin around because of me so much that he should not be reminded of any other woman. 

Fair Guy is frank enough to tell me that he still loves this woman and would always love her. But I'm a proud spoilt brat. I do not want to play second fiddle to anyone. Isn't there something known as falling out of love? How platonic can their relationship be?

I just want to know where I stand in his life. What am I to him - a  rebound affair?? A decoy to be in touch with the engaged love of his life?? Or just a passing fancy??

I am so confused as this is my first ever relationship.
Kindly advice, those who have been in similar situations before and who are well experienced in love and relationships... 


  1. My advice is to put the onus on him, Miss Runaway. He's probably confused and isn't sure what he wants. Judge him by his deeds not his words. If he loves you, he'll make you his priority.

  2. "But I'm a proud spoilt brat. I do not want to play second fiddle to anyone.."

    That ought to tell you what you need to know love. Someone's past is their past for as long as their past has no bearing in their present and future. Who he was in love with should not bother you for as long as he's committed to you completely.

    However, he's got her and you twisted up together and it's fucked up that he thinks you'd be okay with it. Throw a tantrum, its alright to be angry. Tell him that he needs to decide because you don't have the time for a boyfriend to whom you may or may not be a priority.

    Ditch this piece of work man. He'll mess with your mind and your feelings because sir doesn't have the balls to do a damn thing about anything.

    Also, if he's sick enough to hang on to a woman because he loved her and she's being polite to him, do you really think he's worth it? Are you telling me that you'll deal with this because you don't think there is someone out there who thinks you're the only reason the earth revolves around its axis?

    This is about you and your feelings. If you don't put your foot down and make yourself clear, you'll always settle for something less than what you deserve!

  3. follow your head rather than the heart about this one. he seems like he needs some time to get over the other woman. you dont want to be in a doubtful relationship while so early in it. do what you need to cuz all is fair in love and war.

  4. I think your instinct is correct. You want someone to love you with their whole heart, not the leftovers, my dear.

  5. @ Mr. Gorilla: That's a great advice. If he loves me, he would make me his priority. Thanks.

  6. @ Shruthi : This is the best piece. Thanks for writing so much and trying to inculcate some sense into. Yes, I shall not settle for less!

    @ Jaya and Lidiya : Thank you.

  7. If you are not number one....move on to find the man to whom you will be number one!

  8. Just you chalk it down to "been there done that"... namma Indian boys have this problem of unrequited love. Chumma they'll be like - I really love this girl - and in all probablity have never had one sentence worth of conversation with said women... then they will meet someone who they actually talk to and are attracted to but are still hankering after unrequited girl...

    Blame it on cinema or our history, I don't know, but I'll he honest, I'd rather be with a man who wants only to be with me and think of me and so on....

    It's not too much of a demand ya... :)

  9. Mrs Gorila and the rest of your readers have given you plenty of good advice, so I won't add much. Just a couple of things: 1) Watch the movie "The Holiday" and focus on Kate Winslet's character. 2)The movie "500 days of Summer" 3) The books "The One"by Kathy Freston and "Committed"by Elizabeth Gilbert. They'll give you plenty to think about around the subject of relationships.
    I believe that it's always good to keep in mind that relationships involve two people- and should only involve two people. If you feel that there's a 3rd one, it's time to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. If he still has strong romantic feelings towards the other one, it is actually not good for either of you to continue with the relationship. Remember that you do deserve to be loved by someone-really loved, head over heels loved. Accepting to be 2nd best will rotten the relationship sooner or later and it will eat you from the inside.

  10. @ Eva : That seems to be the general verdict.

  11. @ Shruthi: Namma Indian boys seems to be all fucked up. Big time!

    @ Marcela: Thank you dear. I shall definitely try to go through ur list.

  12. Let's not get into their fucked-up ness... just keep in mind that you need to make it only about the two of you... three's always a crowd in these situations

  13. @ Shruthi: wait for my next post and you shall know. :)

  14. hi all... oh dear... well me being an indian let me just say that not all indian boys are "fucked up"...
    i was once in a relationship. she was indian too.. 3 years on and everything seemed perfect... she was the girl of my dreams... well long story short she cheated on me with a colleague of mine at my prev job.. OUCH..

    my response.. i just quit it straight away. no second thoughts..

    but if you wanna see the funny side of the story. well she didnt know he was my colleague that sits next to me at the office and that he shares every story he has when his with a girl...and my colleague (aka playa) didnt know that she was my gf...

    anyway.. so ive decided to get an arranged marriage. ive put my hands to get ticked off.. its a risk, it'll be someone that i dont know. never met and i hope it all goes well. im in a confused state about it all..

    mind if i ask seeing as though the last comment was in may.. what happened runawaybride with your situation

  15. well, my answer to your question wud to be with this guy only...i knw it wud be very hard for you you initially...but then wen things wud be normal, it wud be perfect....just tell him to stop talking to tht particular BEST FRIEND of his...coz if he remains closer to her, he'll never get closer to in this regards, u'll have to be firm in ur decision and ur talk with this FAIR GUY. Last and not the least, listen to your inner voice....if it says "NO", do not go for it....